


Wrap Your Cold Hands Around My Throat

by midnightskydan



Series: Dark Butterflies [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, 2012 Phan, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 16:52:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11971599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightskydan/pseuds/midnightskydan
Summary: In which midnight thoughts might lead to something Phil hasn't quite learned to deal with on his own. (wrap your cold hands around my throat, keep me gasping, keep me broke)





	Wrap Your Cold Hands Around My Throat

**Author's Note:**

> the title is a metaphor sorry if you came for a choking kink fic

Phil laid in the dark, eyes wide open and tears collecting in them. He'd never been good at falling asleep. His mind always went far too quickly to quiet down enough for sleep. And recently it'd been worse, especially since he didn't have a body next to his.

With another person to sleep beside, maybe even in the arms of, Phil could quiet his thoughts a little. He could focus on their heartbeat, their steady breathing, the feeling of their skin pressed against his. Unfortunately, it had been a while since he'd been able to sleep beside the man he loved.

Dan had been giving Phil a lot of space lately, and Phil hated it. He kept counting the things he'd done wrong, trying to figure out how to right them. But he couldn't fix things. Dan would have to come to terms with everything and learn how to deal with it maturely on his own.

That didn't keep Phil from staying up, mind racing with worries about how this could all possibly get better, worries that it was only ever going to get worse.

Phil couldn't lose Dan. Dan was the one person who he felt completely comfortable around- at least he  _was_. Now, just seeing Dan sent a jolt of anxiety through Phil's system, for fear of a fight, a passive aggressive comment, even a break up.

Phil closed his eyes, trying to swallow down the butterflies that started in his stomach and crawled into his throat. He just wanted things to go back to normal. He missed Dan talking him through his anxiety with his gentle touches and soft voice. He missed feeling completely comfortable in his own home. Now, his relationship was the source of most of his anxiety.

Phil felt a few tears leave his eyes as the anxiety in his stomach bubbled up and intensified. He just wanted it to stop.

Phil took a shaky breath. What would Dan say if he were here? The old Dan, the one who always helped him through the anxiety, and chased away the dark butterflies?

Phil realized he wasn't breathing very well, which meant he might be on the precipice of an attack.

Dan would tell him to breathe. Deep breaths, in through the nose, held for a few seconds, and slowly out through the mouth. Dan would ask him to try and relax his shoulders and jaw.

Dan knew all about how to pull Phil out of an imminent panic attack, having had a bit of practice with it and done a lot of research. Why wasn't he here? Phil wanted him here.

Phil choked on another sob.  _No, Phil. Pull yourself together_. He thought.  _Breathe. In through the nose, slowly, and hold it._ He tried to use the breathing exercise Dan had taught him, sitting up to assure his airway was open to get enough air in his anxious state.

Phil took a few more deep breaths, trying not to think about anything other than breathing.

When he had calmed down a bit, he opened his laptop, setting it beside him on the bed and began playing an episode of Friends. If he listened to it as he attempted to fall asleep, he might not think as much.

Thankfully, it worked, and Phil was asleep within the next hour.

* * *

Dan's eyes flickered open. He laid in his bedroom, alone. He was glad Phil had taken his suggestion about getting a flat with separate bedrooms when they'd first moved in together, because Dan was certain Phil wouldn't be able to handle sleeping in the same room as Dan currently.

And Dan was guilty, of course he was. He loved Phil so much, and he could see him hurting. Phil put on a brave face, laughing and joking, trying to act normal with Dan, but Dan knew just how bad this entire situation had made his anxiety.

Dan had been familiar with Phil's anxiety disorder for years. He should be good at this by now. But recently, everything he did and said seemed to make it worse. Dan had to force himself to give Phil the space he needed to calm down, as much as he wished he could make it better, he'd fucked up. Phil got anxious around him now, more than he did anyone else. Dan was meant to be the person he wasn't anxious around. So, Dan had to give Phil his space. At least until Dan had worked through all this crap and was able to be a good boyfriend and hang out with Phil without getting upset, and in turn, making his boyfriend anxious.

Dan missed Phil, of course he did. It wasn't as if they didn't hang out together, but not like they used to. A kiss was rare. Cuddles were merely occasional, and even laughing together wasn't as often as it had always been.

Dan finally dragged himself out of bed, finding Phil sipping coffee in the lounge. "Morning," he murmured, attempting a small smile for his boyfriend.

Phil looked up at Dan. "Oh! Morning," he spoke.

"Sleep okay?" Dan asked conversationally.

Phil's mind momentarily flashed back to almost slipping into an overthinking-induced panic the night before, but he pushed the thought aside. "Yeah," he replied with a smile, "You?"

Dan smiled back. "Yeah me too." Dan didn't mention how much he wished Phil had been in bed beside him.

* * *

Night fell again, and Phil left to his own room while Dan continued to scroll through the internet. Phil was so tired- anxiety did that too him- but he was unable to just pass out like he'd hoped.

Instead, he lie awake. His thoughts weren't too bad, and he almost began to drift off when suddenly his mind filled with every bad thought he could think, thoughts seemingly coming from nowhere.

_Dan's about to go sleep in his own room because he doesn't love you anymore._

Phil's eyes shot open in the dark as he recognized the thought.

_What are you gonna do when he leaves you and moves out and your sorry ass is left all alone to fend for yourself? You really think you can meet someone else with the way your mind works? You can't survive without Dan, you're barely doing it now._

Phil couldn't help but listen to the thoughts, taking them in as facts.

_You're fucked up. Dan knows it. That's why he doesn't touch you anymore. Doesn't sleep beside you. He's disgusted by you now. He spent years picking you up when you fell apart, but he's tired of it now. You're ruining his life, his career, he doesn't want this. He doesn't want you._

_You're going to be all alone. Alone._

Phil didn't realize he'd sat up and pulled his knees to his chest, or that he'd begun hyperventilating, until he got dizzy from lack of breath. Oh God, he couldn't stop his panic now it was too late. He let out a sob.

He wanted Dan. Dan was the only one who was ever able to make it okay. Every attack he'd suffered before meeting Dan he'd had to figure out how to talk himself down from. On the very rare occasion that the attack was a really bad one, he'd even passed out entirely. His parents had always tried to help, but having them around made him freak out more and it'd get worse.

He wanted Dan. Where was Dan? He couldn't do this alone.

_Pathetic. You can't do anything on your own. Dan isn't coming, he doesn't care. Better get used to this, Dan's not going to help you again._

Phil felt so stupid there, panicking over not being able to stop panicking. He wasn't even sure what triggered the episode in the first place, what triggered all the thoughts. but he couldn't stop crying, and he couldn't breathe- fuck, fuck,  _fuck._

He felt nauseous as well as dizzy, still unable to catch his breath. He almost felt like he was going to throw up.

_Dan please, please, I'm sorry, please, I need you, please come make it better, I'm sorry for everything I did just- please, please._

He let out another sob. Realistically, how was Dan going to come to his rescue when he had no idea Phil needed his help?

_Even if he knew he wouldn't come._

Phil could hear his heart beating in his ears and he just wanted it to  _stop. Please, please, make it stop._

* * *

Dan was walking to his room when he paused in the hallway to read whatever notification had popped up on his phone. He looked up when he heard what sounded like a choked off sob and froze. For a moment, he was convinced it was his imagination, but as he walked closer to Phil's room, straining his ears, he heard more quiet sobs and gasps for breaths.

Dan's heart dropped into his stomach. Was Phil panicking?! He opened the door quietly, peeking inside, and, sure enough, Phil was curled up, knees to his chest, sobs forcing their way out between gasps for air.

Dan rushed into the room, impulsively, needing to help his boyfriend. Hopefully he wouldn't make things worse.

Dan didn't touch him, not yet sure if this was a touch-averted panic attack or not. He sat on the bed in front of Phil. Phil was shaking and hyperventilating terribly, and shit- this was a bad one. Dan didn't think he was getting hardly any air into his lungs. He had to get Phil's breathing leveled out or he could pass out. He'd never lost consciousness on Dan before, but Dan wasn't ready to start now.

"Phil," Dan spoke urgently, "Phil, I'm right here, can you hear me?"

Phil could hear Dan, though it sounded like he was underwater. Dan was here? Phil gasped in a breath. "D-d-d-" he stuttered, reaching to touch Dan, to assure he wasn't dreaming this up.

Dan took his shaking, outstretched, hand, squeezing it. "Yeah. Yeah, love, I'm right here, sh-sh-shhh. It's okay, it's gonna be okay. Can you give me a number? How bad is this one?" Dan asked, attempting to remain calm, even though his own heart was beating frantically. It'd been a while since he'd talked Phil through one of these and, in his own mild panic, all the information he knew about them almost left his mind.

Phil let go of Dan's hand and held up eight shaking fingers. His breathing was still short, fast, and shallow, and he felt dizzy.

Dan bit his lip, guessing that Phil's anxiety over the past few weeks had built up to this.  _Remain calm_ , he reminded himself. "Okay, love. I know you're scared right now, but you have to breathe for me. It's all gonna be okay. I'm here. We've done this before, yeah? We're gonna be okay."

If Phil's mind had been working properly he would've wondered what Dan meant by "we," but he could hardly hear Dan. He just knew that Dan was going to coach him through. Phil was thanking whatever powers that be, because a second ago he thought he was dying, and he still felt like he was dying, but Dan was  _here_.

Dan grabbed both of Phil's shaking hands, squeezing them tightly, trying to ground Phil. "You know how to do this, baby, just try to breath in slowly, hold it for a few seconds and breathe out slowly," Dan spoke, practically begging Phil.

Phil shakily breathed in, but was unable to hold it, just breathing out and hyperventilating again. 

They continued on like this for a moment, Phil unable to do as Dan told him and breaking into breathless sobs that left him desperate for air.

"Hey." Dan placed Phil's hand on his own chest, focusing on breathing deeply. "Match my breathing. C'mon." Phil was really having a rough one, and Dan glanced down at his phone, ready to call a hospital if Phil didn't start breathing properly soon. Phil hadn't had anything near an eight in forever.

Phil tried to place his focus on Dan's steady breathing, and do as he was doing, breathing in as slow as he could manage, holding it for a few seconds, and letting it out of barely parted lips. The fog lifted a little and he began to remember how to do this. He took another breath, feeling his lungs actually fill, held it a moment, and breathed out. Finally air was getting to his brain, and the dizziness began to fade a little.

Dan sighed in relief. "That's it. That's it, love. You're gonna be just fine."

Phil took a couple more deep breaths with Dan, as Dan held his hand to Dan's chest.

"D-Dan," He attempted to speak, "'M s-sor-rry." His voice was as shaky as his body still was.

Dan felt tears collect in his eyes as he stared at Phil. "Oh, love, don't be sorry, please don't feel sorry. It's okay. You've done nothing wrong."

Phil wanted to argue, but he was so exhausted. He let out a pitiful sob. He was still shaking quite a lot, but he knew from past experience it was only because of all the adrenaline that had just rushed through him. It would take a while for his body to settle.

"Please don't l-leave me," Phil requested weakly, well aware of how pathetic he sounded. He hoped Dan guessed that, in saying that, Phil didn't just mean tonight.

Dan brought Phil's shaky hand to his lips, before meeting Phil's tear-filled, eyes. "Phil, I could never leave you. I love you," he spoke, as sincere as he could make it. Phil had to believe him. Dan didn't know what he'd do if he didn't.

Phil let out another sob. "I-" he sniffled, "I love you," he replied, falling against Dan, burying his face in Dan's shoulder as he continued to sob, residual fear hanging on.

"Shh, shh, shh," Dan murmured, wrapping his arms around Phil. "Breathe, love, it's all okay now. You're okay."

Phil clung to Dan as he tried again to steady his breathing. He sniffled. "M'so tired, Dan," he whimpered.

Dan rubbed his back before gently pulling away. "I know," he murmured, gently, "C'mon, lay down with me. I'll stay here, is that what you want?"

Phil nodded. "Please," he whimpered.

"Shhh, c'mon, down we go, love." Dan helped Phil down onto his side, pulling the duvet over them both.

Phil shuffled up as close as he could get to Dan, face in Dan's chest, moved down the bed more than Dan so he could feel shorter for once. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's back. Phil was still shaking pretty bad, but he was breathing properly.

"I was scared you wouldn't come. I thought I was going to die," Phil spoke quietly, voice shaking, but sobs calmed, "I mean I know that's stupid, but I felt like I- like I was going to."

Dan squeezed his eyes shut, holding Phil against himself. "I'll always come," he promised, "I'll always come when you need me, and I'll never let anything happen to you." He stroked Phil's back. "I'm sorry you had to feel like that. But you're okay now. I've got you, and you're okay. Just get some sleep, darling," Dan murmured, "I'll be right here."

* * *

In the morning, Dan woke up first, understandably. Phil must've been completely worn out after his episode. Dan had had one or two panic attacks in his life, and neither were as bad as Phil's last night, but he knew how exhausting just those were.

Phil was still wrapped in Dan's arms, and Dan's muscles ached from lack of movement all night, but he didn't mind.

Dan and Phil had to talk. Dan had to know what had brought that on. He was certain it was something Dan had done, and he needed to know how to fix it. He couldn't handle being the cause of Phil's anxiety anymore. And causing him a full-blown panic attack was not okay.

Phil sleepily blinked his eyes open, smiling when he felt the arms around him. He looked up to see Dan's face, awake as well. Anxiety made itself quietly known in Phil's stomach. Would Dan be upset that they were sharing a bed?

"Hey, love," Dan murmured softly, brushing the messy hair from Phil's face. "You feeling okay?"

The nerves in Phil's stomach dissipated at the concern in Dan's voice. Right. Last night. Dan had been just like he always was, gentle and calm, talking Phil through it.

"Mhmm," Phil replied, smiling a little. He leaned in, face inching closer to Dan's. Dan met him in the middle, kissing him gently, hand moving through his hair.

"I'm sorry, Phil," Dan breathed when they pulled back, "I'm sorry, I should've been there before you could even work yourself into a panic. It was about me, wasn't it? You were thinking about us?"

Phil looked down. "It's not your fault, Dan. I just- when it's late I let all the bad thoughts come and convince me of all these bad things. I just, I'm messed up, and I don't want you to realize it and leave. I'm weighing you down. You have to pick me up off the ground all the time and you can't even vent about your own issues without me freaking out."

"It is my fault, okay? I know how your brain works, love, and I'm still here. I'll talk you through any anxiety you need me to. I love you, and that means I'm there for you. No matter what. I just got so involved in my own crap I stopped paying enough attention, I thought you needed space. None of this is your fault, and I would never think of leaving. You're the only one I could ever imagine being with," Dan promised.

Phil looked down. "Maybe I should go back to taking medication and getting therapy and stuff..." Phil started, "I don't want your life to revolve around worrying about me, Dan. You're only 21 and you have to take care of me like I'm some kid."

"I really don't mind making sure you're comfortable. And needing a little help is nothing to be ashamed of. When it comes to us, I'm sure you help me the same, if not more. But, if you want to, we can look into medication. That might make this all more manageable. But until then, please just be open with me. Tell me when you're having a bad day, or when something I do makes you anxious. I'll try and be open too, and talk rather than letting my anger get the best of me, okay?" Dan bargained.

Phil smiled. "When'd you get to be so smart?" he asked, pushing Dan's hair aside.

Dan smiled back. "I'd say it's about time."

"Okay then. I love you. You love me. We're gonna communicate more. This will be okay, yeah?" Phil spoke.

"Yeah. This'll be okay."

And it was. For the most part. Dan and Phil were happy, close, comfortable, behind locked doors. In the public eye, they were friends and nothing more, but Phil didn't mind. He wasn't sure he could handle the pressure and anxiety of so many eyes on them, anyways. Phil had a few lesser episodes, but Dan was more observant, usually able to see it coming, and able to talk Phil through it. In return, Phil did his best to listen to Dan's concerns and reassure him when he needed it. They were back on the path to function. And even when they had their little tiffs, Phil was able to tell those anxiety induced thoughts to fuck off by wandering into Dan's arms and admitting his anxiety. No matter how pissed Dan seemed, he always reassured his boyfriend, terrified to see the man he loved panic the way he had before.

Things could only get better from here.


End file.
